From The Cube's Archives...

1989

Dear Cube,

Why do sororities insist on having [a] mandatory study table in the library?! I am constantly annoyed by chatting groups of these girls who arrogantly ignore the "please be quiet" signs. They clog the stairwells with gossip sessions and continually disturb an otherwise tranquil study atmosphere.

ANSWER: There are two possible explanations for this phenomenon: 1.) They believe in the power of osmotic education: that is, if you're surrounded long enough by books, some knowledge may seep out of them and into your brain.  2.) Murdoc's threw out their study table because they were too noisy.

1987

Dear Cube,

How does the library's security (as in anti-book theft) system work? Is there a magnetic ALARM strip deactivated at the desk? Does it become active automatically after the due date? What happens if someone ACCIDENTALLY (sure, that's what they all say) walked past the swinging metal bar with an unchecked out book? I am much too conforming to do this so could you just give us some highlights of the scenario? Shouldn't you install a "food detector" for incoming lanes?

ANSWER: Tell you how the security system works? Why, sure! You see, it involves a whole-body scanning system that checks for sweaty palms, and increased blood pressure and heartbeat, a sort of mobile lie detector. The way to beat it is to think pure thoughts, a difficult feat for most Vandals.

1986

Dear Cube,

Could you point out to "certain people" that spitting their chew in the water fountain is not only unsanitary and disgusting to look at, but also tends to clog the pipes and puts it out of commission for the rest of us!

ANSWER: Problem is, them suckers cain't read.